Blog no. 15 of 17 (or thereabouts)
It's all going terribly well. I'm moving like C3P0 with a limp, I've lost my bike helmet, Southern Railways have no record of my booking to Milton Keynes and magicbike is 30 miles away from where I need it to be. Not to mention, co-cyclist Annie Absinthe's chain has broken. I think I might be brewing a heart attack.
To add insult to injury ... well, injuries ... you can't quite be bothered to come along on this piffling 55-mile bike ride. I've invited you repeatedly, promising a warm welcome, but no ... you prefer to stay safe in front of the computer in your underwear, or your wife's underwear, or no underwear ... actually I'm going to stop thinking about what you might be wearing ... but if it's my cycle helmet, bloody give it back.
I thought I could reassure you with tales of how safe England's roads are for cyclists and went to that bastion of all things bicycley, Cycling England ... look, just look what I found:
Cycling England ceased to exist as a public body on 1 April 2011.
Cycling England was the independent expert body that advised on the promotion of cycling.
If it weren't for the fact that they must've known of their own demise for some time, I'd be inclined to take it personally.
You stay right at home. I'd look up the statistics for mishaps there, but they're probably dismantling the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents as I type.
Of course you don't have to come, it's ok. May I ask you something though? If you won't join the communal ride for UniCycle50 ... will you at least sponsor the UniCyclist, Steven Primrose-Smith? This is the only time I'll mention the money thing, honest, but I know you're kind-hearted and would like to help really - it's just the cycling thing that's put you off. Steven's doing his 20,000+ ride on behalf of three charities, so there might be one you'd be prepared to shell out for - even just a quid would help. Go to http://www.unicycle50.com/, click on the 'Donate' link on the left hand side and pick one of the charities. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease.
I've blogged previously about the Blood Pressure Association, so 'ere's a mere link
http://www.bpassoc.org.uk/.
Steven's second charity is Action for Animals, run by his girlfriend, The Lovely Nina, who devotes her time to raising funds for animal rescue projects in England and Spain
http://www.actionforanimals.org/.
Of course you don't have to come, it's ok. May I ask you something though? If you won't join the communal ride for UniCycle50 ... will you at least sponsor the UniCyclist, Steven Primrose-Smith? This is the only time I'll mention the money thing, honest, but I know you're kind-hearted and would like to help really - it's just the cycling thing that's put you off. Steven's doing his 20,000+ ride on behalf of three charities, so there might be one you'd be prepared to shell out for - even just a quid would help. Go to http://www.unicycle50.com/, click on the 'Donate' link on the left hand side and pick one of the charities. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease.
I've blogged previously about the Blood Pressure Association, so 'ere's a mere link
http://www.bpassoc.org.uk/.
Steven's second charity is Action for Animals, run by his girlfriend, The Lovely Nina, who devotes her time to raising funds for animal rescue projects in England and Spain
http://www.actionforanimals.org/.
His third charity is OUSET . This is the charitable arm of the Open University, which helps ensure access to higher education for people without the means to fund it themselves. I have a friend who's a really worthwhile recipient of help from OUSET, and it's totally transformed her life. Claire Brierley worked on the line at the Bally shoe factory in Lancashire, but last year, thanks to OUSET, she completed her undergraduate degree in Psychology, and is now doing postgraduate training to be a teacher. She loves the Open University so much, and is such an advocate, she's even persuaded her friends to take up courses too - education's changed her life, she's determined to show others how they can improve their prospects too. She is simply one of the most effervescent and inspirational people I've ever met, her future pupils will love her and in turn be inspired to learn - an incredible gift
I hate asking for money, I really do ... but as you can see, it's not for me, it's for three good causes. I know you'll have doling-out-dosh fatigue after Comic Relief and a seemingly endless raft of natural disasters, but I don't want to have to come round your house and pat your pockets or anything, so, please, spare a nicker or two and I'll leave you in peace. Right. Schtum.
I'm off to pick up magicbike now, with a very, very simple bike rack for the car. Why aren't I cycling the 30 miles home? Why would I cycle that far when I don't have to?
I'll save that kind of pointless exercise for Wednesday.
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